Hamster Care and How I Get Through College


When I open a poll asking what I should write for the next day, that usually translates to what I should write the next time I feel like blogging. So we find ourselves here on this very topic: hamster care and how I pass my college courses.

I chose these two particular things to talk about because they’re both highly related in terms of how you actually learn to do both without annoying the FU out of other people. This and also because I’m trying to relate the results from the last poll and my desire to force feed Google skills to everyone so people can lrn2google instead of asking so many questions!

You just have to learn how to JFGI first.

If you’re planning on getting a cute, fluffy and absolutely adorable hamster like I have you’re obviously going to need to know what responsibilities are included in adopting such a mini ball of instant joy.

It is NOT okay to squeeze it til its eyes pop out.

It is NOT okay to feed it candy.

It is NOT okay to keep it in your pocket.

It is DEFINITELY not okay to dress it up in little costumes (it is torture, really, believe me, I’m not lying, really, just please don’t, it’s painful to see anyone gush like that)

So what else is left? Well, since you just learned that it can’t live on candy and will probably die after feeding it leftovers from Halloween, then you need to know what it does eat. Where it lives. What it needs. You get this from Googling their respective keywords.

Where do hamsters live

What do hamsters eat

What do hamsters need

You following me here?

Similar to that, you also have to know what you should do to pass your classes that your parents paid for while threatening to chain you to the house if you manage to screw up those 4 long years before you’re finally moving out i.e. getting pregnant, putting a bun in someone’s oven, expulsion from drugs, natural stupidity, tendencies for arson, procrastination leading to total abandonment of grades yadayadayada

Besides learning the basics, like this tip on how you can increase the number of pages for an essay on The History of the Light Bulb and Its Impact on Society (if you’re the lucky few who have teachers who base essays on something so easy to fix like page numbers) you need to know how to leech from the gift that just keeps on giving: The Internet.

For both Hamsters and College Students, both, in my opinion relatively easy to care for, you just have to learn to JFGI.

JFGI

JFGI

JFGI

Just. Fucking. Google. It.

Please, kids, if you have a question about anything and everything, I swear the internet has the answer to it. If your first try doesn’t lead to anything, play around with the words you’re using.

I have to attest to the fact that Google has been my savior. It has helped me get through a lot ever since we first met, this was quite a while after I gave up on Yahoo! it was a hard decision, but we were just growing apart, I had to end it before Y! started threatening me with suicide if I didn’t learn to appreciate it. It was getting to a point where Y! would greet me at the door smelling like whiskey and asking why I came home so late at night when it’s only really 2 in the afternoon. I settled by letting it have the house and keeping the kids for the weekend. Phew.

Badly drawn Google and Nat picture

Badly drawn picture of me and Google

Google has just been great to me. Ever since I got to know it, it has given me nothing but great hits. Sure there was the occasional shock site (Who could forget lemonparty or goatse?), but our relationship has been nothing short of generous… *imaginary picture sequence of me and Google holding hands* (or look to the right)

But going back to the topic that I have totally failed to really explain anything that resembles a coherent post that is not at all a huge waste of time and space, taking care of a hamster and learning how to pass college can be made much more convenient with the help of a few well placed words in the search box. It just really annoys me when people keep asking how to do stuff when they can always just learn to Google and lurk for a few minutes.

Being a full-time student, writer, blogger and asshole is a pretty tough job. All these need a certain level of determination to be able to fulfill each role to a T. It makes my life much easier knowing some of these tricks I’ve learned from Life Hacker:

  • Ask questions in complete sentences – if you want to know who hosted the most recent Olympics all you have to do is ask “Who hosted the most recent Olympics”. If you want to know who was that guy in that movie that had that thing type in “Who was that guy in that movie that had that thing”
  • Use Google’s cache as a proxy – by typing: cache:example.com this is incredibly useful if you’re trying to sneak a peek into a site that your school has blocked.
  • Learn how to pirate comic books and music – this is one of the least known capabilities of Google, which I’ve learned since I am a geek and I enjoy free things. just use this formula:
  • -inurl:htm -inurl:html intitle:”index of” “Last modified” spider-man cbr and -inurl:htm -inurl:html intitle:”index of” “Last modified” simpsons cbr
  • If you’re looking for Iron Man or Minute Men just replace the titles before cbr
  • Learn how to stalk people without coming up with random places and people by appending &imgtype=face to your image searches so you come up with faces of the people you’re searching and not logos and stupid other stuff that usually come up when I Google my own name.
  • There are analysis, reviews, essays and book summaries everywhere. Occasionally there are even PowerPoint presentations for virtually any single assigned reading in every single concentration available in your university of choice. Mainly because it’s all been done before and you should scour the web before wasting your time researching on something you can get in a condensed form.

If you want to learn more about what you can do with Google, how about searching for it instead of expecting more links from this post?

With this I leave you with another poll. Go to the discussion page and vote on the next topic!

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Posted on November 11, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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